Snoring Solutions for the Non-Snorer

As with most things in life there are two sides to every story, and this Hub is dedicated to the non-snorer, more specifically the person who has to lay in bed beside the snorer while being kept awake by deep guttural tones emanating from the mouths of their loved ones. I will probably never know what it is like to sleep next to a snorer. I am a snorer myself and I’m also a deep sleeper so when I go to sleep I usually stay asleep. My girlfriend on the other hand is the sufferer in this situation. She is an experienced expert at living with a snorer and she should be commended for her patience and adaptability. This Hub is dedicated to her and all of the other non-snorers who have to live with significant others who turn into grunting dragon-walruses when the lights go out. I cannot guarantee restful sleep if you use these tips, but these are proven techniques that you can try on your snoring partner without having to resort to anti snoring devices.

I don’t really care myself why I snore – I just do it. But as a non-snorer, the first thing you might want to consider is why people snore. Afterall, haven’t you ever found yourself up in the middle of the night wondering the heck is going on with the fat pig lying next to you? Before you consider pouring marbles down their mouth, you might want to know the science behind it. Basically snoring occurs when air causes vibration in key areas of the nose, soft palate, or tongue. If the airway is blocked or restricted in some way then the sound of snoring is created when these loose parts are blown back and forth with inhaling and exhaling. Simple right? Although it may sound like it, snoring doesn’t come from demon possession or an alien crawling out of someone’s stomach.

Keep in mind none of these are permanent snoring solutions and most are temporary measures. But I know they work because they have all at one point or another been used on me by my girlfriend.

The nose plug – place you fingers firmly to pinch the snorer’s nose shut. In a few seconds the snorer will let out a gasp of air and stop snoring for a period of time. An alternative to this is the nostril plug where you stick two fingers up the snorer’s nose. Try a thumb for maximum effect.

The mouth cover – put your palm over the snorer’s mouth and keep it there until the desired effect is achieved. Be warned – do not combine the mouth cover with the nose plug for an excessive period of time; unless you’re looking to collect on health insurance benefits.

The butt-kick – While on your side extend your strongest leg and kick the snorer in the pumpkin. Happy Halloween honey!

The shake – Place two hands on the snorer’s shoulders and shake until they wake up. You can often combine this with “the face slap” for forgetting your anniversary this year.

The abandon – A low maintenance snoring solution. Place two hands at your side, sit up on the edge of the bed, get up on your feet, and walk out of the room and go to the living room. Bring a pillow and blanket for maximum snore-free comfort.

The Pee – Put the snorer’s hand in a bowl of warm water. This may not stop snoring immediately but it will give the snorer something to think about next time. This is considered the last resort snoring solution.

The Snoring Chin Strap - this thing is actually a real stop snoring device. It looks like you're wearing underwear on your head.

There are other things you can try to curtail your partner’s snoring such as getting them to lose weight or make sure they don’t drink a lot before sleeping. Both of these factors can increase snoring by having an effect on the size of airways. All-in-all it can be a great inconvenience to live with a snorer so on behalf of noisy snorers everywhere I want to thank you for sticking with us. Hopefully the amount of noise we make is equivalent to the happiness we bring to your lives in other areas. And if not...well, it’s not like you’re going to find anyone better anyways.

I will also mention that these snoring solutions were intended as humour and not to be taken seriously. If your partner has a more serious condition like sleep apnea then covering their mouth can be dangerous.